Two Brains One Bot
Two girls attempting to survive in the age of rising stupidity & robots. Join us each week as we laugh about life, memes, pop culture, and the dumb shit that AI says. 🧠🧠🤖
Two Brains One Bot
The Walrus Made Me Do It
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This week, we are looking into the legendary shenanigans people get into while under the influence of Ambien.
From cooking gourmet banana bread in a dead sleep to cereal box wall reinforcements, sleep aids can do some terrifyingly hilarious things to the human brain. We read through a collection of the funniest, strangest, and most unbelievable Ambien stories from the internet.
It’s casual, it’s bizarre, and it might make you think twice before trying to get a good night's rest.
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Welcome everyone to Two Brains One Bot. I'm Ashley.
SPEAKER_01I'm Christy.
SPEAKER_00And before we start off, I just wanted to issue an apology about our last episode.
SPEAKER_01No.
SPEAKER_00Listen, I swear that I edited it and it was perfect. It was awesome. And then for whatever reason, Mercury retrograde did what it does and that last little like I'm not kidding, like four seconds where we just do like the tagline.
SPEAKER_01Oh that was cut off, yeah.
SPEAKER_00Which is unfortunate because it was really funny.
SPEAKER_01It was funny, and I'm sure you all missed it.
SPEAKER_00And also the video just didn't upload to YouTube.
SPEAKER_01Because it always takes a thousand years for those episodes to upload.
SPEAKER_00Well, I got it like exported and then I got it uploading, but YouTube wants to do its like special little checks or whatever.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, to make sure we are not copywriting or putting inappropriate stuff on.
SPEAKER_00And so it just didn't, I guess my computer like had shut off at that point because I I edited it and got like the audio up because this is a podcast, that's what's most important. But the video part of it, I like let it go, and then I was just like, I'm not gonna sit here and wait for 45 minutes for you to figure out what it is you're checking. It's the same as it is every single time. And you also make me answer a million questions too. YouTube, get your lives together.
SPEAKER_01So did you ever put it up or we're just gonna skip it?
SPEAKER_00No, I made because the podcast auto-posts like a video on YouTube as well. Um, just when I upload it. So I'm gonna go in and clean that up tonight when I'm editing this episode. Okay. But yeah, oh, I'm working on getting that cleaned up.
SPEAKER_01God bless you.
SPEAKER_00But listen, the planets ain't got nothing on me because I'm a Taurus and so I'm stubborn as hell.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, there you go.
SPEAKER_00Um, that episode was so fun though.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I appreciate it, Becky.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, she's just the cutest. I can't wait to have her back.
SPEAKER_01Yep.
SPEAKER_00Um, but we might need another mic though, because I'm not gonna lie, I felt very like, Wait, I wanna I wanna say a funny. Yeah, and that was probably good.
SPEAKER_01You felt excluded from the podcast.
SPEAKER_00I didn't feel excluded. I've it was probably for the best because I would have derailed us so many times. Because it was like such a high for me to have two of my favorite people in the same room talking to each other. Yeah. And anyways, it was super fun.
SPEAKER_01Okay, we'll we'll look into it, look into the budge.
SPEAKER_00And also I wanted to mention that Spain won.
SPEAKER_01Yes.
SPEAKER_00And it's crazy because our listeners don't know this. I cut this parti portion out of that um episode, but I went off on a sign tangent where I had convinced everyone that because I went to Spain one singular time, oh gosh, that Ronaldo was from Spain.
SPEAKER_01Yes, he did.
SPEAKER_00Um, he's not, he's from Portugal.
SPEAKER_01Nope. Um and they were not in the World Cup finals.
SPEAKER_00They were not in the World Cup, but Spain did win, and so I can credit myself for manifesting that for them. Okay. Um, and also my I my back hurts from carrying the team.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, for sure. For sure.
SPEAKER_00Everything she says is true. Listen, I clearly wasn't red carded because here I am. Here I am. Okay, so let's let's talk about what I really brought you here to talk about. Let's get into it. Um, and that is weird ass drug-induced sleep phenomenon.
SPEAKER_01Oof. You know I love sleep.
SPEAKER_00I know. I know.
SPEAKER_01Did I tell you that I had a crazy dream?
SPEAKER_00No, but you can tell me. No, that's every day.
SPEAKER_01It's every day. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00I can't wait to hear about it. I'm gonna ask you a little bit later in this episode.
SPEAKER_01Dill.
SPEAKER_00But just for some background, I swear that the internet is funnier at night. I don't know why, but the later in the night things are, because I watch things.
SPEAKER_01Because there's real people on there at night.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Instead of during the day when most when most people are at work. Yeah, for sure. Work.
SPEAKER_00It might be because I'm loopy or that there's just like magic in city in your bed, ugly laugh crying while your spouse saws logs next to you.
SPEAKER_01But no, it's because you're so like done with the day that literally anything other than what the day brought you is just incredible. I agree. I agree.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and I I lately have I think I'm altering my algorithm, whatever that is.
SPEAKER_01Oh, I do that all the time.
SPEAKER_00But I'm making it more of like funnier things and like heartfelt things. Like there's this guy currently well, he's done now because he's just revealed it to his wife, but he was he had blocked his wife on Instagram and he was making he was lip singing, doing lip-singing videos um to raise money to pay off his wife's college debt. Oh wow. And it was really sweet. But one of the ones I came across was him dressed in a B costume singing that uh black-eyed peace song, the I'm a B, Amma B.
SPEAKER_01Oh my gosh. I why have I not seen this?
SPEAKER_00I don't know.
SPEAKER_01If you've sent it to me, I probably did. Just remember that I don't look at anything.
SPEAKER_00I probably sent it to you. But it was really I've been like trying to to do to like pivot more that way. Because for a really long time I've gone down like the political hatred. Like I just, you know, I'm just I was doom scrolling and spiraling in that realm of things, and now I'm just like, you know what, I'm gonna come back to what the internet should be is people making funnies.
SPEAKER_01I just I still just think any of those like compilations of people falling, yeah, or babies doing funny things or children doing funny things.
SPEAKER_00Have you seen the dad crash out ones?
SPEAKER_01Those ones are so like where they like put the fake like TV broken TV screen up and then they call the dad in and they're like, Oh no, we broke the TV screen, and the dad just absolutely is gone.
SPEAKER_00Or just like trying to build anything, and he's just oh yeah, like pulling down a microwave or putting up the fan.
SPEAKER_01Yes.
SPEAKER_00My husband, basically everything I do in my life is try to make my husband laugh, and he loses his freaking mind about those videos. He thinks they're so funny. There's one specifically where this guy, I think he's from like the Carolinas or something, he has this most beautiful accent, but he's like, God damn, I hate this fucking house.
SPEAKER_01Yes. You probably know what which one I'm talking about, but should record me when my technology doesn't work and I just vibrate with anger.
SPEAKER_00So, anyways, that's just to say I've been in the comments lately laughing at humans because they are just so funny. And specifically, like traumatized millennials, we are so good at carrying on a bit. Yeah, like forever. So good. Um, and just like they I don't know, they just have me laughing like it's my job. And I 10 out of 10 recommend joy scrolling. Joy scrolling is healing.
SPEAKER_01Joy scrolling.
SPEAKER_00I don't know if I have to invent a sticker, but joy scrolling. Do some it's a good time. Just read the comments. People are so freaking funny. But obviously, the other night, like this stems from the other night. I was scrolling and I found this thread of people um talking about the crazy shit that they did after taking Ambient. And I'm not kidding. I had like I was like tears running down my face, like 15-minute abs. I get sometimes where I laugh so hard that you can't, I'm not even making noises anymore. Yeah. I was there. I was distressing.
SPEAKER_01We're checking for a pulse.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, pretty much. And you don't know if I'm like upset crying or if I'm like laugh crying because it just looks the same. Yeah. So let's talk about some of the funny ones I saw. But first, before we do that, let's talk about what Ambien is because that's where this all stems from.
SPEAKER_01Have you have you ever taken Ambien?
SPEAKER_00I have not. Have you?
SPEAKER_01Uh-uh. I don't think so.
SPEAKER_00No, I've never taken a sleep aid before.
SPEAKER_01Any?
SPEAKER_00Well, like none that are prescribed for sleep aid. I take magnesium three and eight, and I've talked to you a lot about that. But I think that's more of like an supplement, like a natural. I don't know if it's necessarily marketed for that. But have you? Have you taken a sleep baby before?
SPEAKER_01Uh I mean, like, you know, when you get that good, good deep cold. I haven't taken NyQuil in a while because that wrecks me the next morning. But man, a NyQuil pass out. Oh, baby.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I guess I didn't really consider that because I've taken NyQuil before, but I didn't really consider that as like a sleep aid. It's more of like a cough suppressant.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, but they have like the ZQL now. I've never taken the ZQL. I don't dare.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I don't either.
SPEAKER_01I don't like it. I probably like I don't even know. I'm crazy.
SPEAKER_00We can check in again at the end of this episode and you can tell me if you think you're gonna take any sleep aids.
SPEAKER_01Okay. Dill.
SPEAKER_00Do you want to let's do that? Okay. Sure, sure. So according to Chat Bestie, which is Gemini now because I put my chat GPT in timeout for being a lion ass ho.
SPEAKER_01Um Anna's just not good anymore.
SPEAKER_00It's trash.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00It's trash. It's straight trash. It's straight trash. Um Ambien, which is also like the drug form of it. So Ambien is the brand name. The drug form is Zolpidem. Zolpedem.
SPEAKER_01You did it.
SPEAKER_00Uh crushed it. Um, it's it's basically like a self-induced glitch in the matrix. So Ambien targets the GABA A receptors, and when it binds to those receptors, it increases the flow of chloride ions into the brain cells, which makes the cells less excitable. So it helps you like it's not just like a muscle relaxer or like an anti-anxiety where it just kind of like calms you.
SPEAKER_01It literally like it puts a it puts a weighted blanket on you.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, pretty much, yeah.
SPEAKER_01Oh, which I love a weighted blanket.
SPEAKER_00Oh, yeah. I think that's because we have anxiety. That's an anxiety thing. But it cranks up those GABA vibes to knock your brain out, but sometimes it forgets to like unplug your motor skills. Um you're basically like a passenger in your own body, just and your body's just out here living life. So your your mind is like not there.
SPEAKER_01So quick check-in. I already don't feel comfortable because I know what I'm capable of.
SPEAKER_00Oh, yeah. I know what you're capable of. You're gonna, you're gonna these are so funny. So um, but you also end up with no memory, your short-term memory is gone because you're essentially still asleep. I'm too scared. So your body is doing things, but you're essentially asleep still. Like that's my worst nightmare. Like your brain is gone.
SPEAKER_01Not remembering doing something silly and not remembering.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. I whatever. Uh is that somebody else's business? That's somebody else's business. That's somebody else's problem. Yeah, I don't care. As long as I have a designated adult, I think I'll be okay. Okay. Which unfortunately for you, that's usually you. Between you and my husband, and Becky, I think someone's my designated adult. Okay, so I'm gonna read you some stories, but to protect the anonymity of anonyminity of the people that are.
SPEAKER_01I don't think that was it still. Anonymity.
SPEAKER_00Anonid how do you say it?
SPEAKER_01Anonym Anonymity.
SPEAKER_00Protect to protect the people that told these stories. Um, I'm not gonna share like any handles or names, and I I did have Gemini help me change a few of like the identifying details. Okay and also to make it so that these aren't like copyright, because don't come after me.
SPEAKER_01Allegedly, here's a story.
SPEAKER_00Here's a story. First, we have a classic mix of technology and sleep-deprived logic. So this is a story. I took my medication and made the critical mistake of staying up to look up my phone. No. Suddenly, I hallucinated that I was lying on a tropical beach listening to a beautiful conch shell that was that was talking directly to me about the intricate art of making sushi.
SPEAKER_01No, wait, I thought she couldn't I thought they couldn't remember. So they remembered up until this point?
SPEAKER_00I don't know.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_00I woke up the next morning feeling incredibly relaxed, only to realize I was holding my iPhone tightly against my ear with Netflix running. Sleep me had spent the entire night watching the documentary Jiro Dreams of Sushi, and I genuinely thought the movie was a sentient shell.
SPEAKER_01No, I watched a little bit of that documentary. It is good. Is it? Yeah.
SPEAKER_00I just want sushi now, honestly.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. She woke up and she's like, that contrary class?
SPEAKER_00I knew what they were talking about. Jeez.
SPEAKER_01Oh my gosh. Okay.
SPEAKER_00So the next one is a masterclass in modern online sleep shopping.
SPEAKER_01Oh dear.
SPEAKER_00Okay. I only found out my subconscious was an elite consumer when a series of completely unhinged packages arrived at my door a few days later. My late night sleep haul included a pair of formal silk opera gloves, an entire DVD box set of the show Man vs Food, and an egg cuber, which is What? An egg cuber? What is that? Which is a kitchen gadget whose sole purpose is to compress a hard-boiled egg into a perfect square.
unknownOh my gosh.
SPEAKER_01Because what purpose would you ever need for a cubed egg?
SPEAKER_00I don't know who was who uh I don't know who was planning to be in those opera gloves, but apparently they eat geometric breakfast foods while watching Guy Fieri.
SPEAKER_01Oh my gosh. Can you imagine just getting a package and being like, What? Oh, this is clearly not for me. And then you look at your search history or your your shopping cart account history and you're like, God damn.
SPEAKER_00Oh my gosh.
SPEAKER_01God damn it.
SPEAKER_00Okay, the next one is about Ambien Aladdin.
SPEAKER_01Okay. Oh god.
SPEAKER_00I was having terrible insomnia, so my doctor put me on Ambien. The very first night I took it and decided to sit in an armchair to wait for it to kick in. Big mistake.
SPEAKER_01In a sorry, in an armchair? Uh-huh. Okay. No, you gotta be in bed, girl. Or boy.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Suddenly I felt the armchair lift off the ground like a Boeing 747 and fly out the window.
SPEAKER_01Oh gosh.
SPEAKER_00I somehow migrated to my bed where my mattress also took off.
SPEAKER_01Oh my gosh.
SPEAKER_00I spent the next two hours having a highly competitive, vivid, imaginary air race on a flying mattress against three cool new friends who had materialized straight through my bedroom wall. Ten out of ten experience, but I did lose the rate.
SPEAKER_01Oh shoot. Does Ambient come with like a disclaimer? Oh, okay.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, it does now. It does now.
SPEAKER_01Must have a reverse lock on your door because you might run out. Oh my gosh. Okay.
SPEAKER_00And finally. Please don't. Or do. Oh, I don't know.
SPEAKER_01Shoot. Yeah. So it's tempting. Okay. Okay, go.
SPEAKER_00Finally, we have one that shows physics still applies even when you're asleep. Okay. So this would probably be a situation that your husband would would uh face. Okay. I hope not. Um, my husband entered what I call a blackout nap where he looked fully awake but his mind was entirely shut down. We had to cancel his prescription after a week because his sleep brain decided that normal toilets were completely obsolete. Over the course of four days, he sleepwalked and urinated directly into our fireplace, straight into the vegetable crisper inside our refrigerator, and most tragically, directly into a rotating box fan that was turned on high. Oh no. He just stood there completely confused as to why the universe was spraying it right back to his legs.
SPEAKER_01Oh my gosh. Um no. No, we're not doing that one.
SPEAKER_00This just this just reinforces in my brain that the simulation is real. Like simulation theory. Oh, for sure. Because we're literally just electrified skin snacks. Like we're just like sleeping and dreaming is hilariously horrifying.
SPEAKER_01It is because like again, for those of us that are like vivid, active dreamers, like sometimes you really are like yeah, I can just pee here. Yeah. And then you pee the bed. Yeah. Which hasn't happened to me since I was 18, but it did happen to me when I was 18.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. I mean twice. Right. I would have night sweat so bad that I thought I peed the bed.
SPEAKER_01Oh.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. For a while there. I was like, jeez.
SPEAKER_01I had that once one, but it was like right after I was sick, and I was like, or while I was sick, and I was like, oh girl, you had a fever.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, yeah, for sure.
SPEAKER_01But no, I I definitely remember being like, oh yeah, I'm in the bathroom. I'm like, pee. And then I woke up and I was like, and I was at a friend's house, again at 18 years old, and she had had like a boy sleepover, and I remember I had to like go into her room and be like, I gotta go.
unknownOh my god.
SPEAKER_01And I'm taking this blanket with me.
SPEAKER_00And I'm taking this entire mattress.
SPEAKER_01Because it like, you know, those funny videos of like your friend sleeping over and they like sleep under like the cushions or whatever. Like, I think I was sleeping on her floor in the living room with some rando blanket. Yeah. I was like, I gotta take this with me. I'm so sorry.
SPEAKER_00I love it. So, what do you think is the absolute worst thing you could accidentally buy in your sleep?
unknownOh.
SPEAKER_00Would you be like an online shopper? Because like I'm sure sleepwalking wasn't as scary back in the day as it is now because we have Amazon like one click now and like phones that open with just your face.
SPEAKER_01So which I took that off my phone because I'm like, I'm I'm tired of like, I just want to see what time it is. I don't need you to unlock. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Be so for real.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Uh sorry, the question was, what would I be afraid to buy?
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Would you buy stuff in your sleep, do you think, or what do you think you would do in your sleep?
SPEAKER_01No, I would I would act out or say things, probably both. Like mine would be physical motions. Like doing something, sleepwalking, whatever.
SPEAKER_00Okay. Well, there are people who have actually bought things on the internet while sleeping, like we talked about before. Um one of the ones I saw was someone bought a live camel online. Another person ordered a $3,000 vintage chandelier. And another person who commented accidentally booked a vacation to a country they've never been to before.
SPEAKER_01Where are the like, you know, the like the cap, what are they called? Capches.
SPEAKER_00Oh yeah.
SPEAKER_01Verify you're human or whatever. Yeah. But it's like, hey, verify you're not asleep right now. Like do some do some math. Do some do a Sudoku.
SPEAKER_00Oh, but could your brain do it?
SPEAKER_01Because like No, you couldn't do a Sudoku in your sleep, I don't think.
SPEAKER_00There's some stories that I don't know if I mention it, but there's some stories where people drive a car asleep. Your brain can do weird crap when you're sleeping.
SPEAKER_01No, I always I always get worried that while I'm not asleep, I like think about moments in life and I'm like, oh man, what if I just like I'm here right now and then the next moment I know I'm like waking up in like a hospital bed or I'm waking up like somewhere different, and it's like, would I even know? My sleep stuff, like my sleep weirdness. I always like sit up in bed and then I like think about doing something, and then I'm like, oh, I'm way too tired to do that. And then I'm like, I'm just gonna lay back down. So I don't like okay. So I don't think I would do anything, and I definitely don't think I could order something in my sleep. But I don't know, I've never been on the the ambient train.
SPEAKER_00I don't know, we'll see. Um, I don't think I mean I don't think I would ever take a sleep aid. I mean, I don't know. I don't think now I'm curious.
SPEAKER_01Now I'm ambicurious, ambic.
SPEAKER_00Classic. Oh god. Um, I also saw a comment about someone's mom booking a seven-day trip to the Bahamas for the whole family, and it was non-refundable while she was on Ambien.
SPEAKER_01And I was like, Can I use that as an excuse?
SPEAKER_00Hey mom, how do you feel about taking Ambien?
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And spending your life savings on a trip to the Bahamas.
SPEAKER_01Hey mom, I know you don't remember booking this trip, but you sure did. You sure did. You also don't remember taking Ambient, but you sure did.
SPEAKER_00Love, Ashley.
SPEAKER_01Now we are going on a trip of a lifetime.
SPEAKER_00So I would think that you would say that um you would cook in your sleep. Do you think you would cook?
SPEAKER_01No, because again, I'd be too tired. Again, I I oftentimes I will sit up and be like, oh my gosh, I gotta do X, Y, or Z. And then I'm like, and the two thoughts are, Oh, I'm so tired. I cannot do this. I'm just gonna lay back down for a minute. Or my other thing is, but I'm in my pajamas.
SPEAKER_00I'm in my jammy jams.
SPEAKER_01Someone can see my butt. This is embarrassing.
SPEAKER_00So enter Ambient Kitchen. It's not just weird spending that happens. Oh no. There are stories of people cooking and performing other crazy tasks while their dad is asleep. Known lovingly as Ambient Kitchen. I saw one comment of this lady saying she would actually grocery shop for her Ambient self to cook these delicious meals. And the following are stories of just that.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_00Okay, so story number one. I woke up one morning with a massive stomach ache in my and my kitchen looking like a war zone. There was chocolate syrup on the counter, cheese wrappers everywhere, and a half-empty jar of mayonnaise on the floor.
SPEAKER_01Oh no.
SPEAKER_00I checked my phone to see if I could retrace my steps and found a single note I had typed into my phone at 3 a.m. It just read Midnight Nachos. Oh. One plate of Doritos, one handful of shredded mozzarella, two tablespoons of peanut butter and microwave for 45 seconds, bone apple teeth.
SPEAKER_01Bone apple teeth. The problem with that is like you'd think 45 seconds, but that's not a time that you can like regularly get on your microwave. So you would probably end up putting it in as 45 minutes.
SPEAKER_00Probably.
SPEAKER_01Fire department called. Bone apple fire department.
SPEAKER_00Bone apple teeth fire department. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Bone apple teeth stop, drop and roll.
SPEAKER_00Listen, we love some good midnight nachos, but please don't cook them for 45 minutes.
SPEAKER_01I woke up in the the embrace of a firefighter. Sure.
SPEAKER_00Okay. My doctor put me on a sleep aid, and a few nights later my husband woke up because he heard loud crunching noises coming from my side of the bed.
unknownExcept
SPEAKER_01You know, I do like to snack in bed, but whatever.
SPEAKER_00He turned on his phone flashlight and found me sitting straight up, fast asleep, aggressively eating a massive, completely raw yellow onion. Oh my gosh, meaning he gently took it away from me and I just went right back to snoring.
SPEAKER_01Can you imagine waking up with that mouth?
SPEAKER_00I woke up the next morning with absolute worst breath of my entire life and a lingering taste of regret.
SPEAKER_01Oh my gosh. No. Oh yeah. No. I feel like you would wake up with like the the biggest stomach ache eating so much onion.
SPEAKER_00Oh, probably. And like burning down your throat. Yeah. And your eyes, because I can't even imagine. I sleep with my hands like up towards my face. If you're holding a raw onion and eating it and there's like juice coming out of it, you get it in your eyes? Ouch.
SPEAKER_01This is a completely side tangent, but you talked about sleeping up on your hands. Do you ever like sleep on your wrists, funny? Yeah, like like you totally bend your hand underneath, and then you can't use your hand for the whole next day.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Or my elbow. Like if I sleep too much on like one side, my elbow, like from you know, like the tennis elbow. Mine's not from playing tennis, mine's from sleeping.
SPEAKER_01God damn tennis elbow.
SPEAKER_00I know.
SPEAKER_01Sleep elbow.
SPEAKER_00Alright, one more. Okay. No, two more. To the kit the ambient kitchen. My roommate found me standing in front of the open freezer at 2 a.m. According to him, I took a frozen, completely uncooked pepperoni pizza out of the box, walked over to the couch, laid it flat on my chest like a heavy blanket, and fell back to sleep. When he tried to take it off of me, when he tried to take it off of me, I apparently swatted his hands away and mumbled, no, it keeps the core warm.
unknownOh my.
SPEAKER_00I woke up at 7 a.m. covered in melted raw cheese and loose pepperonies.
SPEAKER_01Oh and like liquidy dough. No. That's so gross.
SPEAKER_00Okay, last one for the for the Ambient Kitchen. I woke up on a Tuesday morning and to the smell of fresh baking, which was weird because I live alone. I walked into my kitchen and found a perfectly baked, beautifully golden loaf of banana bread sitting on a cooling rack. I have zero memory of making it. But the terrifying part is that I didn't even have bananas in my house. Sleep meat apparently put on clothes, walked to the 24-hour grocery store down the street.
SPEAKER_01Allegedly put on clothes.
SPEAKER_00Yep.
SPEAKER_01Walked to the case.
SPEAKER_00I walked to the grocery store, bought bananas, came home, baked a masterpiece from scratch, and went back to bed. It was delicious, but the realization that I can operate an oven while completely unconscious is terrifying.
SPEAKER_01Too far. Too far.
SPEAKER_00Too far. I also want to taste that banana bread because I wonder if it was good.
SPEAKER_01How many crimes are being committed on from people who are on ambient? And the also, how many crimes are being committed on people who are on ambient? So they're committing the crimes, they're being the crimes are being committed on them. Oh you went all the way to the store. People notice that you're like not with life, not in this reality.
SPEAKER_00I don't know, because I've heard stories of people saying like they look completely awake.
SPEAKER_01Oh well, maybe their their simulated player kept them safe.
SPEAKER_00Maybe. So do you think you'd make a delicious meal or just warm tuna on a rice cracker?
SPEAKER_01Probably warm tuna on a rice cake, and it's delicious, and you judge me for that forever.
SPEAKER_00Disgusting. This is disgusting. Warm tuna. One time I was pregnant and I was texting Christy and I was like, Hey, what do you got?
SPEAKER_01During COVID.
SPEAKER_00During COVID. Oh, just just eating some lunch. I'm like, oh, whatcha having? Because you know, I was pregnant and hungry. And she's like, oh, just having some tuna on our ice cracker. And I was like, oh, that's interesting. And she's like, yeah, I warmed it up.
SPEAKER_01And I'm like, with cheese on top. It's so good. I would have it right now.
SPEAKER_00No, that's disgusting. Why don't I get it? Tuna melts. I have an idea. Why don't you just eat cat food straight out of the straight out of the container?
SPEAKER_01No, because that's disgusting. But it's a tuna. It's a tuna melt.
SPEAKER_00Tuna melts are gross. Fish doesn't need to be consumed, but warm fish.
SPEAKER_01Potato potato.
SPEAKER_00Tomato potato.
SPEAKER_01People eat warm fish all the time, my friend.
SPEAKER_00I know it's disgusting. Okay. Just making sure you know. Moving on. Um, so we laugh about these stories, but there are some pretty scary ones out there.
SPEAKER_01Sure.
SPEAKER_00And this is a checkpoint to remind everyone that although these stories are funny, this drug has an FDA black box warning on it. Because people were driving while completely unconscious. Straight up driving.
SPEAKER_01I mean, that seems like a problem. Like you're giving this to anybody?
SPEAKER_00I think you have to, I don't mean I don't know what qualifications are.
SPEAKER_01Can we get some like bedtime shackles? I don't know.
SPEAKER_00I don't know, like you bedtime shackles. Like you have there's a store out there that sells bedtime shackles.
SPEAKER_01Bedtime shackles? Yeah, it's called Jack and Jill's.
SPEAKER_00Listen, I'll get my best guy on it.
SPEAKER_01Um no, but like, you know, maybe you just have like one handcuff on.
SPEAKER_00Oh, those are mom's bedtime shackles.
SPEAKER_01Those are my sleepy eyes shackles.
SPEAKER_00No, they're not for sexy time. They're just for shackling mom to bed.
SPEAKER_01I put everything dangerous in this box, I lock it, then I swallow the key with my ambient, and then I have to wait for that key to come out to get my important items like my keys and the lock to the door.
SPEAKER_00Oh, jeez. So crazy.
SPEAKER_01Man, we're inventing all sorts of stuff.
SPEAKER_00I guess so.
SPEAKER_01This is wild. No. Okay. Anyways, go ahead.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, don't mess around with this stuff just for the vibes. But if you are prescribed, like it is prescribed to you, and you take it as directed, and funny shit still happens to you, please tell us because that's awesome.
SPEAKER_01Oh my gosh, I know.
SPEAKER_00So, what happens when you take a sleep aid but try to fight the drowsiness? Your brain begins projecting your dreams directly onto your bedroom walls while you're still awake. Enter the Ambient Walrus. This is an internet lore that was created by cartoonist Drew Fairweather on his webcomic Toothpaste for Dinner. The meme perfectly captures the bizarre hypnotic state where a person's logic centers are totally offline, but a calm internal voice convinces them to do completely unhinged tasks like calling an ex or aggressively sweeping a dirty wall. Okay, so listen to this one. This one's about the Ambian walrus. I stayed up past the window where my pill was supposed to knock me out, and that's when the Ambient Walrus took the will. I didn't black out immediately. Instead, I entered a state of absolute calm clarity where completely insane ideas sounded like ancient wisdom. The walrus looked at me and whispered that our bedroom wall was structurally insecure and desperately needed to be reinforced. I spent the next hour entirely naked using oh shit. Using using half a roll of duct tape to securely fasten three hardcovered textbooks and an empty tissue box to the drywall.
SPEAKER_01That ain't going anywhere.
SPEAKER_00I remember stepping back, admiring my craftsmanship, and thinking, yes, this house is safe now. I woke up the next morning completely sober, staring at a textbook taped to my wall, wondering why I let a fictional Arctic mammal ruin my room. Oh gosh. And I just wanted to do a callback to the running through the drywall.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Hey, someday somebody's gonna use that and be like, goddamn.
SPEAKER_00Probably somebody on Ambient.
SPEAKER_01Oh my gosh.
SPEAKER_00So do after they've put their notches in the microwave for 45 minutes.
SPEAKER_01Can I ask you, do people on Ambient like not wake up like hungover?
SPEAKER_00I don't know.
SPEAKER_01I mean, like, do you just wake up like bright eyed?
SPEAKER_00Make wake up with the best. Ready to rock? Well, I think a lot of the times, like these people that are taking these sleep aids have severe insomnia, so whatever sleep they can get, they feel great, you know, because not sleeping is really bad for your brain, and I'm sure you just feel like garbage 24-7.
SPEAKER_01Not sleeping is the new smoking. Yep, so true.
SPEAKER_00So I have a question for you. If you had a sleep wall walrus, I don't know why that word is so hard for me to say, okay, or a sleep demon telling you to do chaotic things, what would its specific guide be?
SPEAKER_01What would it tell me to do?
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Would it be like a chill person or would it be like the little devil on your shoulder?
SPEAKER_01Um, it would probably be a chill person because I'm just I'm generally pretty cautious. So I think even in my sleep I'd I'm cautious, which is why I like sit up and I'm like, no, you're too tired. You're not dressed appropriately to go do that.
SPEAKER_00You naky.
SPEAKER_01Someone's gonna see you in your your jammies.
SPEAKER_00Your jammy jams. To finally wrap this up, we're gonna talk about some of the weird shenanigans that our brains get into during sleep without any mind-altering substances.
SPEAKER_01Yes. Just regular raw dogging sleep.
SPEAKER_00Because some of us are just weird, all on our own, no meds required. Okay. So one of these is a documented um parasomnia, and it's called exploding head syndrome. So this is where people hear a massive imaginary explosion, gunshot, or clash of symbols right in their skull the exact second they fall asleep. Like Oh, no.
SPEAKER_01I would almost be afraid to sleep, honestly. But like they have it regularly.
SPEAKER_00Regularly. Oof. They they hear like a loud noise right before they fall asleep.
SPEAKER_01Oh, that's the worst.
SPEAKER_00I think I would be I I would have severe insomnia, probably.
SPEAKER_01Do you know what it is? It's actually them just go like they're nodding off and then they get like a sleep snore.
SPEAKER_00Or they just fall into a drum set real quick. Yeah. So here's one of the stories of that. I suffer from a natural sleep glitch called exploding head syndrome. Right as I'm on the exact precipice of drifting off to sleep, my brain misfires and creates a massive imaginary auditory hallucination inside my skull. For me, it sounds like a literal bowling ball being dropped onto a hardwood floor from ten feet up, right next to my ear. I sit straight up in bed, heart pounding, ready to fight an intruder while my cat is just lying next to me, completely unbothered. Yeah. Is the ultimate cosmic joke that my own mind can flashbang me while I'm trying to rest.
SPEAKER_01No, I've never heard of that, nor do I subscribe. Yeah, that'd be wild. Was that the game?
SPEAKER_00No, I'm just I'm just telling you, like, that's wild. These are some of the natural like brain glitches.
SPEAKER_01I get a lot of um, I think I hear like a very loud like bang or the door opening, the doorbell ringing, whatever in my sleep. And so to me, it's like that's what triggered me to wake up, but I mean it's never true.
SPEAKER_00Oh, really? So you still experience those things. Interesting.
SPEAKER_01But it's always when I've like been asleep, like been a dead dead asleep. Oh, maybe it's I don't know. That's none of my business.
SPEAKER_00Things like that are almost always like thinking I hear my kids or something, and all that but the weird thing is, I don't know if this has happened to you. When I started like when I had kids, I used to be a really deep sleeper and I'm not anymore. I oh I'm a very light sleeper.
SPEAKER_01I'm mostly a deep sleeper.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I'd love to be a deep sleeper again. Maybe when they move out, if they ever do. In this economy.
SPEAKER_01In this economy, never never.
SPEAKER_00So sleep talking. Do you have any funny stories about sleep talking?
SPEAKER_01I sleep, I sleep talk all the time. And apparently it's like in my family, because like we all sleep talk. Oh, okay. But my thing is, and I I don't know if I've sleep talked in a while, but it used to be that I would like we'd like maybe be watching a show or something, and I would pretend to not be falling asleep by like, you know, keeping the one eye open wink.
SPEAKER_00Pirate sleeping.
SPEAKER_01Pirate sleeping. And then I would wake I really haven't done this in a really long time, as far as I know. Um, but I would like wake myself up talking, and then they're like, wait, what? And then I would pretend like I wasn't sleeping, and I'd be like, Well, yeah, yeah. Like pretend like I'm like continuing the conversation because I knew I had been talking, probably didn't know what I had been saying. And then they'd be like, or Kenny would be like, You're asleep, and I was like, No, no, I meant to say that. Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_00But I've heard um my just gaslighting your family members, yeah.
SPEAKER_01My brother-in-law has said that my sister does the same thing, so yeah.
SPEAKER_00Just go to sleep, you guys. Just tell your husband, I'm tired, I'm going to bed.
SPEAKER_01Hey, let's stop with this like sleep revenge. Yeah. Nighttime revenge.
SPEAKER_00Oh, I do that really bad. I need to stop. I have bad nighttime revenge.
SPEAKER_01It's hard right now though, like because it's so light for so long. Yeah. And it feels rude to send my kids to bed when it's still light out.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. I I still do because when you're little.
SPEAKER_01It's just, yeah, it's just the balance.
SPEAKER_00But even then, I stay up way too late.
SPEAKER_01But I also don't want like the the dark to come, you know, the early dark.
SPEAKER_00Oh, I'm ready for it. No, because then it's like colder weather.
SPEAKER_01Well then it's like you, oh, I'm ready for colder weather, but it then it's like the it gets dark so quickly and you come home from work and it's already dark, and you're like, well, is it bedtime?
SPEAKER_00Listen.
SPEAKER_01Is it time to hibernate till tomorrow?
SPEAKER_00Every day's a half day if you just fucking leave.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, that's true. That's true.
SPEAKER_00Just kidding. What up to our boss? Good thing he doesn't listen to this podcast.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. He says he's giving us space. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Space. Sure, man. Sure, dude. You just don't you just don't love me. It's fine.
SPEAKER_01You claim you want to come be a mansplainer. Won't even do it.
SPEAKER_00Men. Yeah. Okay. Anyway, okay, sleep paralysis.
SPEAKER_01Do you have do you experience sleep paralysis or do you know of anybody who's I have experienced sleep paralysis, which I think I talked about in a different episode, but it is the most terrifying thing. It is so terrifying. It is well, if it if this is actually the phenomenon, which is your body is like parallel. You're laying, yeah, you're laying in bed, and for all you know, you are indeed awake. Something is happening, and I've had this like just like maybe two or three times, but like you're you feel like you're awake, you feel like somebody is in the room with you, or there's like some type of impending doom, but like for me, it's somebody's in the room with me, and it's almost like maybe I can almost even like see a figure, but you literally can't move, you can't scream, you can't do anything, and you are just in your body being like, do something, but you can't.
SPEAKER_00So is it always scary for you?
SPEAKER_01Oh, terrifying, absolutely terrifying.
SPEAKER_00It's always like a scary feeling. Okay. Well, some of these stories, I have two of them here that are actually kind of funny um examples of sleep paralysis. So this one says, I woke up in the middle of the night, laid flat on my back, and realized I couldn't move a single muscle. My brain was fully awake, but my body was completely locked down in sleep paralysis. Suddenly I saw a terrifying shadow creature about seven feet tall crawl out, crawl out from my closet and slowly glide toward the edge of my edge of my bed. It leaned over me, opened its mouth, and in a deep demonic echoing voice it whispered, Your phone charger is unplugged. What? I was paralyzed with absolute primal fear for three minutes, only to regain control of my limbs, look down, and realized the shadow demon was right. My phone wasn't charging, and my brain literally invented a deep sleep paralysis demon just to give me a low battery alert.
SPEAKER_01No, that no, because it's terrifying. They still experience the terror.
SPEAKER_00They experience the terror, but it wasn't like I'm gonna get you or whatever. It was just your phone's not charging.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. No, we're not, no, we're not doing that.
SPEAKER_00That's hilarious. Okay, the next one is I was drifting off to sleep when I opened my eyes and saw a massive glowing, hyper-realistic, neon green exit floating sign perfectly in the center of my bedroom ceiling. My logical brain was completely offline, so I didn't think, wow, I'm hallucinating.
unknownNo.
SPEAKER_01Instead, wow, when did that get there?
SPEAKER_00Instead, my sleep brain thought, oh thank God, this bedroom has been inspected by the fire marshal. We're up to code.
SPEAKER_01We good.
SPEAKER_00I gave the floating sign a literal thumbs up, turned over on my side and fell fast asleep. I woke up the next morning feeling incredibly safe for absolutely no reason.
SPEAKER_01Oh my gosh. Well, if you gave him a thumbs up, you weren't paralyzed.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, that's true. Okay.
SPEAKER_01That is funny though.
SPEAKER_00Um, and then the last one is like of a normal, not medication-induced is um hallucination. So I just wanted to note here that your brain is kind of an asshole. Like, if you think about it, it knows what you're afraid of.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and then purposely, yeah.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and then it purposely shows you those things. It's so me.
SPEAKER_01And my brain also very much knows that like certain things aren't a threat and a danger, but it's like, no, we're gonna think about them forever.
SPEAKER_00Do you think we should think about this?
SPEAKER_01Yeah. You saw that spider earlier today. Rest of the day, ruined.
SPEAKER_00It's probably on you somewhere.
SPEAKER_01Oh no.
SPEAKER_00All right. Um, I had a horrific nightmare that my partner broke into my house, stole my favorite coffee mug, and replaced it with a slightly smaller, identical mug just to slowly gaslight me over a period of months.
SPEAKER_01Girl, no.
SPEAKER_00Hey, you got control issues. It felt so incredibly real that when I woke up, I refused to speak to him for the first two hours of the day. He kept asking what he did wrong, and I just kept aggressively staring at my coffee mug, trying to gauge its fluid ounces with my eyes. Nightmare Me is still holding a grudge over imaginary kitchenwear metrics.
SPEAKER_01I have had those where like you literally can't like talk yourself into remembering that it's a dream. I mean, you know it was a dream, but you're like still like, no, I'm I'm still mad at you.
SPEAKER_00I hate that. Sometimes I have dreams about people that are actually pretty terrible, and the only way I can get it out of my brain is to tell them about what happened.
SPEAKER_01Like vocalize it.
SPEAKER_00Are you okay? This is the dream that I had.
SPEAKER_01Don't do this to me.
SPEAKER_00Please, please be okay. Or like, you know, it's not even like anything that they've done to me. It's like you've got in a car accident or you did this or whatever. It's like, hey, don't take that way home this time, okay?
SPEAKER_01Oh no, mine's always I can't believe you did that to me.
SPEAKER_00Oh yeah.
SPEAKER_01That's so rude.
SPEAKER_00I do have that. Mainly sleep Dayton is a dick, but Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you know. What can you do? Yeah. Poor guy has to deal with dream Dayton. Okay. The last thing we're gonna do is play a game. Sorry, ready?
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00It's called Ambient Anime or Just a Bad Dream. Okay. So I'm going to read you five completely unhinged late-night scenarios. For each one, you have to tell me, did this happen because of a prescription sleep aid? Is it the plot of a weird anime episode, or is it a natural nightmare glitch from a real person's brain? If you get three out of five right, you win the title of sleep champion. Lose, and the ambient walrus gets to bleach your hair.
SPEAKER_01Is it a buzzin' bleach? Am I Eminem?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, you're Eminem. Round one. You ready?
SPEAKER_01Go.
SPEAKER_00The kitchen guardian. A person wakes up in the middle of the night, walks into the kitchen, and begins aggressively duct taping a box of dry cereal and half-eaten banana to the refrigerator door because a voice told them the kitchen was sliding into the sea. Is it anime? The Ambien Walrus or a nightmare. Bad dream.
SPEAKER_01Ambient.
SPEAKER_00Correct. Yes. The only one I'm gonna get right. Round two. The sourdough betrayal. A person has a vivid late night experience.
unknownJust kidding. Go ahead. Damn it.
SPEAKER_00A person has a vivid late night experience where they discover their artisanal sourdough starter has achieved sentience, learned how to type, and is actively tanking their credit score by applying for high interest bones online. Is it ambient? Is it nightmare? Like a a nightmare? Or is it anime?
SPEAKER_01Well, it's fake. So is it anime?
SPEAKER_00No, it's a nightmare.
SPEAKER_01Somebody's true nightmare? Mm-hmm. Okay. I thought you just made that up because when you came over today, I was working on my sourdough.
SPEAKER_00This is an actual stress dream reported on a forum. Financial ruin via baked goods.
SPEAKER_01I mean, sourdough is stressful. Sourdough is stressful. But I've never had a nightmare about it.
SPEAKER_00It's stressful for the person making it, I'm assuming. For the person eating it, like me, best day of my life.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Just not a lot of love into that.
SPEAKER_00Okay, so what? You got that one wrong.
SPEAKER_01So one one.
SPEAKER_00One one. Round three. The blanket battle. Ding ding ding. A main character takes a special sleeping pill to cure their insomnia, only for their weighted blanket to come to life, turn into a giant fluffy monster, and drag them into an underground wrestling tournament against other household objects.
SPEAKER_01Anime.
SPEAKER_00Correct.
SPEAKER_01Yes.
SPEAKER_00This is an episode.
SPEAKER_01I've seen it before. Just kidding. I have no idea what you're talking about.
SPEAKER_00I I don't know how to say this correctly. Specifically, an episode of the absurd comedy anime. Bo bo bo? Boah. Cantama territory.
SPEAKER_01Melted. Yep.
SPEAKER_00Okay, round four. The silent dinner party. A person wakes up completely clothed, sitting perfectly straight at their dining room table in pitch black darkness, holding a fork and a knife, staring at an empty plate. When their partner turns on the light and asks what they are doing, they whisper, Shh, the guests are sleeping, and immediately walk back to bed.
SPEAKER_01Ambient. Ambient correct. Yes. I am now. Three for one. I have one.
SPEAKER_00The next one. The tooth trap. A person is drifting off to sleep when they hear a massive imaginary gunshot go off inside their skull, followed immediately by a vivid hallucination that all of their teeth have turned into tiny glowing green LEDs that are blinking in Morse code.
SPEAKER_01Ooh. I don't think it's ambient. I think, ooh, I do have teeth dreams that are always really terrible. Like bump there, my teeth falling out. But that also could be anime.
SPEAKER_00It is just a dream. And it's also mixed in with the exploding head syndrome.
SPEAKER_01Oh, yeah, yeah, because you talked about that. Very good.
SPEAKER_00Good job. But you survived the night, and your reward is a perfectly square, cubed, hard-boiled egg.
SPEAKER_01Yes! Gosh, I hate eating them round things.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. I like them round. Nope, she likes them square.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, square. Thank you.
SPEAKER_00Um, okay. Do you have any other sleep weird things you want to talk about?
SPEAKER_01No, but sleep is so weird.
SPEAKER_00Sleep is so weird. Dreams are like, I was gonna say I don't understand any of it.
SPEAKER_01Have you ever taken melatonin?
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01I'm trying to think if I take it on occasion. I will take melatonin because you're not supposed to take it all the time. Right. But I will take melatonin if we're going to bed late and I know I need to like lock in and get to sleep. Right. And stay asleep. Or I will take it the next night after like I have a rough night of sleep. So if I have woken up and you know been awake for two hours in the middle of the night for no good reason, the next night I'll take melatonin so that I know I can just be like rock solid. Right. But now I'm wondering if I dream as vividly on melatonin as when I don't take anything. And I don't know. I'm gonna I'm gonna try and remember to observe.
SPEAKER_00I would love to look into also if there's a difference between if women are more vivid dreamers versus men are more vivid dreams. Yes, they are. Women are more women are more vivid. Oh, interesting.
SPEAKER_01Remember, I looked into that a long time ago.
SPEAKER_00Maybe that's why I was thinking I wanted to look into it because I remembered that vaguely.
SPEAKER_01I think it's like more creative people, and I think in general, women are more creative.
SPEAKER_00Oh yeah, because we're creators. Okay.
SPEAKER_01Creators, yeah.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Um, interesting. And why I still do we even know why we dream? We have no idea still, right?
SPEAKER_01No, I have no idea.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Okay.
SPEAKER_01Because our brain's like, what else are we gonna do?
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01I'm bored.
SPEAKER_00It always makes me think of that in and out movie where um inside out.
SPEAKER_01Where they like In and O da da da da da da da da da.
SPEAKER_00No, inside out.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_00You know, where they like have a little their little emotions and they put on like a daydream or whatever at the night. Um, that's what makes me think of. Yeah. Anyways, think of us in your dreams. Enjoy your sleep sleep paralysis demons, and let us know if you run into any funny sleep things.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, dog.
SPEAKER_00And with that, remember to stay human.
SPEAKER_01Stay curious, and don't let their robots win.
unknownNever. Goodbye, chat.
SPEAKER_01Hello, Gemini.
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